Slotomania Hints and Tips or Walkthrough (or Walkthru or Walk-Thru)

Slotomania Hints and Tips aka Slotomania Walkthrough (or Walkthru or Walk-thru)

Please note:  This blog is a bit out-of-date as Playtika has removed some of the machines I've mentioned.  For some better, and more thorough information, check out the e-book I published on Amazon.  "How to Win at Slotomania."

You can find it here:  http://www.amazon.com/dp/B013RF38CG

As they say…necessity is the mother of invention.  And as I tooled around yesterday looking for Slotomania hints and tips – I found practically nothing.  So I decided to do my own.  If you’ve run across this, then good for you.  If it’s even helpful, all the better.

First thing, though, is that you’re playing slots.  Slots, by their very nature, are a loser’s game.  I’m sure there are plenty of people out there who have methodologies and ideas and suggestions and tricks and whatever – but slots, again, are a loser’s bet.  Can you win?  Certainly.  Will you win?  Maybe.  Will you lose?  Definitely.  I know, going in, I’m always going to lose eventually.  Maybe it’s not the best attitude to take when you’re playing slots but it’s the attitude I take.

Second thing, you’re playing Slotomania on a computer or an iphone or an android or whatever.   That means it’s not going to be stable.  I don’t care how many coins you’ve felt you lost or why won’t the makers contact me or what happened after it “disconnected?”  It is what it is.  I feel bad if, somehow, you magically lost 3,000,000 coins.  That sucks, especially if you actually bought coins with real money but it’s an unstable environment by the very nature.  Go to Vegas, lose $10,000 and try and tell the casino that the machine is faulty – see how quickly they give you your money back.

HINT NUMBER ONE:  Play where you’ve got a stable wifi connection.  Multiple times I’m in a game and I get a “disconnect” or the wheels spin and spin and spin and spin or the machine just doesn’t load.  These moments are very frustrating – especially when you feel you’re on a roll or  you’ve hit a bonus or a “scatter” and the machine craps out.  So hint number one:  If you want to play Slotomania – play where you’re pretty certain that the connection won’t be buggy.

Third thing, the people behind Slotomania want your money.  Your real, hard-earned, pay-check.  Real, actual, can go-to-the-store and buy milk for the kids, cash.  They’re not in this to have “fun” and create “art” and give you a wonderful pseudo gambling experience.  Nope.  They want you to pony up real cash for fake cash and the sooner you realize that – the better.  And since they’re using a “free” app to get that – understand that they have the complete and total ability to tweak that app to their liking and their benefit.

Let me go through a quick over-view:  You start with a couple free slot machines and the goal is to get you to buy coins so you can open up more slot machines by leveling up.  Every four hours you can get a bonus and every 5^th bonus you can spin a wheel to get more coins.  You gain coins by either winning or literally buying them.  What I like about Slotomania from the start is that the machines are fun and “seem” real.  You can bet as low as .10 a pull – even as you go up more levels and open up more machines but understand pretty quickly that you only go up levels if you bet more.  If you’re content with the couple free machines you get at the start and just want to penny-ante your way – then great and more power to you.  If you want to open up more machines…you need to gamble more “money.”

The creators behind Slotomania are smart in the fact that not only can you level up (and you get free coins for leveling up), you open up more machines and the machines keep being added fast and fierce.  I’ve played Slotomania for probably a couple months now and already they’ve added five or so new machines.  Either openable to play on the off occasion or…when you level up.  At the time of this writing the newest machine is “Bar-B Boom” – which you can open at level 160.  Since I’m at level 100, I’ve still got a ways to go.

Another way to get coins is to join the Slotomania Rewards VIP Club.  This is, in my opinion, pure BS.  It’s just another way to try and separate you from your money.  There’s a lot of implied ways of gaining coins – going on Facebook, getting friends to join (ie:  get MORE people to spend MORE real money on fake slot machines), etc.  The reason I call BS on this is that the details of the VIP Club say they “reward you for machines played and your loyalty.”  I checked one time before I played every single machine I had available and spent, on average, 5,000 coins per machine and when I went back to check, my VIP points had gone up by a whopping 2 points.  What, not even 10?  I did bounce from bronze to silver when I actually spent $50 of real money on 600,000 coins and so that became abundantly clear to me.  You want to join the VIP Club?  Then you better pony up some real cash and fast.

Speaking of buying coins:

HINT NUMBER TWO:  Don’t waste money on small coin packages.  It wasn’t long before I was being offered 60,000 coins for $4.99.  From what I can tell that’s the best deal around.  I got this offer when I was up only a few levels and hadn’t moved to “silver” yet.  600,000 for $50 is also a good deal (if you want to actually buy coins).  DON’T waste your money on 5,000 coins for $1.99 or 30,000 coins for $4.99 etc.  Hold out until you get the best deal for your real money.  Remember the makers of Slotomania want you to come back (every four hours) and so you can get free coins multiple times a day.  Of course they’re going to hope you’ll buy more coins because 90% of the time when you start the game it offers you more coins for sale.  The risk you take is that you never know when the 60K for $5 is going to show up.  It popped up one time when I had wiped out my bankroll – how convenient.  As if saying:  “Oh, sorry you’re out of coins…do you want to buy 60K coins for $5?” - Note, I recently got a deal to buy 150,000 coins for $9.99.

HINT NUMBER THREE:  Take advantage of free coin turbo.  Every so often the Slotomania people will ramp up the coin giveaways.  One time for an entire week I could get bonus coins every three hours instead of every four hours.  One day they ramped that up to every two hours.  When this happens – take advantage of it.  It’s free coins for goshsakes!

HINT NUMBER FOUR:  Make sure you properly exit Slotomania.  On my Android phone it’s the little arrow button.  When I start Slotomania it turns those buttons into small almost invisible dots.  If you don’t properly exit (where it asks you if you want to exit), then it runs in the background and, sometimes, the timer doesn’t go down.  It’s as if you’ve paused the game instead of actually leaving it.  This can completely screw up your time for picking up your special bonus or your mega bonus.  When it doubt, always exit.

HINT NUMBER FIVE:  You can’t cheat to give yourself coins (at least from what I can tell).  I did a search early on about being able to hack the game.  I found a number of sites that say you can do it – you just need to fill out this survey and download this and fill out that and download this other thing...they’re ALL SCAMS.  Just play the game straight up and don’t try to figure out a way to beat it on the sly.

HINT NUMBER SIX:  This isn't so much a hint as it is a realization:  once you go big, it's hard to go small again.  Once I got into the millions range, I started betting bigger and bigger.  At one point, when I first got the game, I was content at 2x, or 5x or even 10x the bet.  Once I got into the big money, I didn't go back to those and stayed with 50 times or 100 times or even 200 times the bet.  When you start winning big pulls or your scatters start filling up the level-up bar, it's a great feeling.  As you go up levels, of course, it's easier to get free coins with level-ups and your special 4-hour bonuses give you more coins, etc. that, before you know it, betting only a couple hundred coins seems boring.  Still, at my peak, I didn't go beyond 2,000 coins a pull unless it was "Flamingo" (see my descriptions of individual machines) where I went with 4,000 coins or sometimes 8,000 coins.

METHODOLOGIES FOR PLAYING:

None of these are a guarantee to win, trust me.  And you may come up with your own.  But here's what I found worked for me:  Taking a pad and paper, I would often do five pulls at 5x (or 10x - if I was feeling risky).  I would note how many times I would get a Bonus, a Scatter or a 5x Symbol (basically the wins where the game asks if you want to “share with your friends.”  I would go through my favorite or selected machines and look for patterns.  90% of the time, I would get at least 2 scatters and maybe 1 bonus.  Sometimes more, sometimes less.  I would write down how much "money" I started with and how much “money” I ended with.  It was obvious that when I'd get more bonuses or more scatters, I would come out ahead - which proved to me that the way to win these games is to get the bonuses or scatters.  Yes, a pull or two might get you some good coin - but your real wins are in the bonus or scatters.

If after I round I didn't get any scatters or got no bonuses, I might start the next round at a higher amount - assuming (and sometimes incorrectly) that I was CERTAIN to get a bonus or a scatter THIS round.  It was very VERY rare that in some 80 pulls+ that I wouldn't get, at least, ONE scatter or ONE bonus.  Basically I'm looking for patterns were patterns probably don't really exist.  Did it work?  Sure, sometimes.  Sometimes I'd finally get a good bonus and then get knocked out the second round.

As I started betting larger amounts of coins I changed my methodology.  First, I would look at the machine as it loaded.  If the machine showed 3 scatters already or a "winning" position of symbols or bonuses symbols already displayed, I would hit "lobby" and go back in until the screen showed me no wins or no major wins.  I figure my chances are better to get three (or four or five) bonus symbols if it's not already showing three or four or five bonus symbols.  I liken it to walking past slot machines until I find one that feels "right."  Then I would give the machine five "pulls" unless I won more than I bet - then move along to the next.  Here's an example:  I bet 2000 coins.  First pull gets me nothing, Second pull gets me 500, Third pull gets me 1000, Fourth pull gets me three scatters and 10+ spins which win me 10,000 coins - I then move along.  If I didn't get the scatters, I would play the fifth pull and if I win great.  If I lose, I move to the next machine.  Another example:  I bet 2000 coins.  I win 3000 coins on the first pull.  I move to the next machine.  Last example:  I bet 2000 coins.  I get nothing on the first pull.  Nothing on the second pull.  2050 coins on the third pull.  I move along.  Even though I've lost coins in this process - it's all about being disciplined.  There are only two machines where this rule does not apply.  "Santa Mania" and "Flamingo."  I give "Santa" five pulls no matter what - because I like the bonus round and the scatters.  I give "Flamingo" many more than five (sometimes 10 or 20) because I like the machine so much and I've won so much.

I’m sure you’ll create your own methodologies as time moves along and whatever works for you is great.  I’ve just found that being disciplined and cutting my losses or enjoying my wins is the method that best works for me.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

The makers of Slotomania have really put their heart and soul into these machines.  Some of them are fantastic and some of them are terrible.  At least in my opinion.  I give the creators credit for making them all free (you don’t have to spend real money if you don’t want to) and realistic (for the most part).  I also give them credit for not bombarding me with advertising for Viagra or Root Beer or what not.  Granted, you’ll get tired of their constant begging for you to buy coins anyway – but at least I don’t have to see ads for shaving cream or cottage cheese or something.  I did find the games highly addictive, and if you’ve found this blog/walk-thru/hints & tips – chances are you’ve found them highly addictive, too.

Happy playing and I hope you win a lot of fake money and not spend your real money.

MACHINE BY MACHINE BREAKDOWN

Note, of course, all this is truly my opinion and my opinion only.  You can agree or disagree, these are just my takes on the machines.

FARM FORTUNE – 9 line machine.  When you get three scatters you get 5 free spins.  The bonus is a “garden” game where you choose different vegetables.  If you get the gold vegetable you win all the points in that row.  Entertainment factor?  Well, the scarecrow flashes you when you get the bonus.  Because of the gold vegetable, you can win quite a bit on this game.  Funny how, when I first got Slotomania how often I would get the bonuses and scatters.  As time as gone on it seems harder to get the bonus and scatters.  I’m not saying the makers tweak the game so it’s harder and you’re encouraged to play the games that have more lines but....

Scale of 1 to 10

Bonus:  7

Scatter:  4

BUBBLE RUMBLE – 15 line machine.  When you get three scatters you get 5 free spins.  The bonus game is you shoot bubbles at other bubbles.  This can be very hard and often you don’t win a whole lot.   Entertainment factor?  Some of the bubbles have cigarettes.

Scale of 1 to 10

Bonus:  4

Scatter:  4

CIVILTREASURES – 20 line machine.  When you get three scatters you get 5 free spins.  The bonus game is difficult, but if you guess correctly you could win a helluva lot of coins.  Basically when you get the bonus you get a choice of a sphinx, a pyramid or a temple.  Then you touch the treasures you want.  You get two skulls – you lose (each skull, though, gives you 10 coins).  It’s not uncommon to find treasures in the 600 point range and if you’re betting a lot, you can gain coins quickly (I scored 79,000 coins when I was betting 100 on the 20 lines).  It’s hard, though, but the pay-off is worth it.

Scale of 1 to 10

Bonus:  8

Scatter:  4

SLOTO MAFIA – 15 line machine.  When you get scatters you get 5 free spins.  This is a more adult themed game.  When you get the bonus you have to steal a wallet, then hot-wire a car, then steal a jewel, smuggle a gun through the airport and then finally crack a safe.  It’s a hard bonus and you’re not always awarded with a ton of coins.  Still – it’s fun to be a “theif.”

Scale of 1 to 10

Bonus:  6

Scatter:  4

FOREST OF MAGIC – 25 line machine.  Now we’re starting to get up into the bigger betting pools.  When you get scatters you get 10 free spins.  This is your more whimsical bonus as you enter an enchanted forest.  First pick the flower, then pick the watch, then pick the potion, then pick the mushroom and then pick the magic bush.  Hard to win this bonus.

Scale of 1 to 10

Bonus:  5

Scatter:  7

VIKINGZ – with a Z – 25 line machine.  10 free spins when you get scatters.  This is a machine that, when I first played it, I had quite a bit of luck and then it has kind of evened out over time.  It’s also a machine that seems “wild heavy” meaning you’ll probably get most of your coins back on spins.  The bonus is difficult but, like the farm game, it has the ability to get you a LOT of coins quickly.  You get five rows of shields.  Pick the correct shield, you get the amount of coins.  Pick the special shield, you get all the coins in that row.  So choose wisely.

Scale of 1 to 10

Bonus:  7

Scatter:  7

CAT CHEF – 20 line machine.  9 free spins when you get scatters.  Who thinks of cats when you think of chefs?  God knows I do.  Bonus is fun in that you get to create a sandwich (or your cat chef creates the sandwich).  You first choose the bread, then the lettuce, then the meat, then the condiment, then the, uh, pineapple (I know, it doesn’t make a lot of sense).  Watch out for the rat (why the cat doesn’t eat the rat instead of making your sandwich, I do not know).  All pretty basic.  If I had one complaint, when you get the bonus the game takes a long time to loan the bonus round.  And cats winking at me freak me out.

Scale of 1 to 10

Bonus:  6

Scatter: 6

SAVE ALIEN – 30 line machine.  10 free spins when you get scatters.  I HATED this game.  First, I hardly ever got scatters and the bonus game is TERRIBLE.  First, it takes forever to load and then you have a choice of three galaxies, once you pick a galaxy you touch “aliens” and they either give you points or....they give you food.  Two hamburgers and you’re dead.  Granted, you get something like 10 points per hamburger so you don’t go away completely empty but...you’re probably asleep by the time it loads.

Scale of 1 to 10

Bonus:  2

Scatter:  7

DEEP SEEK – 25 line machine.  10 free spins when you get scatters.  This is a game I didn’t care for right off the bat but has grown on me.  The bonus, like Vikingz and Farm has a chance to pick the goldfish and get all the points in the field.  It’s just various fish as you go deeper until you have a chance to open a treasure chest.  Nothing really to write home about here.

Scale of 1 to 10

Bonus:  5

Scatter:  7

BEEEZ – 30 line machine.  10 free spins when you get scatters.  Sort of a weird amalgamation of people crossed with bees.  I don’t necessarily “get” that.  The bonus game is the first of the “guess three – get that prize” category.  So there are no skulls, no “game over,” nothing bad, per se, that can happen to you.  Other than you pick the three 20 honey pots and not the three 500 gold coins.  In terms of “fun” the bonus isn’t a lot of fun, it’s just very basic.

Scale of 1 to 10

Bonus:  5

Scatter:  7

ORIENTAL SECRETS – 25 line machine.  10 free spins when you get scatters.  Early on this was one of my favorite games.  I don’t really have a reason to say why....I liked the graphics and sounds.  The bonus you first get your choice of color:  blue, red or gold (none of them give you anything 3X bonus or anything).  Once again, you choose a tile and reveal your prize.  If you get the special tile, you get all the prizes under all the titles in that row.  Basic and fun, and you can get a lot of points quickly if you choose correctly.

Scale of 1 to 10

Bonus:  8

Scatter:  7

SHINING ARMOR – 30 line machine.  10 free spins when you get scatters.  Another fun game and one I had quite a bit of luck with early on...though my luck seems to have waned (I wonder why?).  The bonus here is that you get to fight a troll.  My only complaint is that I don’t know if kicking him in the groin (yes) or in the head would get me more or less points.  Hit him 5 times and you rescue the princess.  It’s a basic crap shoot but still fun.

Scale of 1 to 10

Bonus:  7

Scatter: 7

SLOTO MATEY – 25 line machine.  Only 7 free spins when you get scatters.  Pirate themed, graphics nice (as all the games).  The seagull sound effect gets annoying after a while.  In the bonus you do pirate-like things.  First take over a boat.  Then choose a location for the treasure map.  Then choose an island.  Choose a location where the treasure chest is buried or hidden (really, in a tree?).  Then choose the correct treasure chest.  Other than the lack of multiple spins, the game is quite fun.

Scale of 1 to 10

Bonus:  8

Scatter:  5

CREEPY FORTUNES – 30 line machine.  13 free spins when you get scatters.  Have never, ever, EVER had luck with this machine at all.  Even with the 13 spins, this game is more of a headache than a quality game.  The bonus you’re in a cemetery and have to find something – but don’t get the three ghosts – or something.  Barely played it, because I would never win at it.

Scale of 1 to 10

Bonus:  3

Scatter:  8

SLOTOBOTS – 25 line machine.  10 free spins when you get scatters.  Early on I didn’t care fo this game and its R2D2 sound effects, but the game has grown on me.  You only need two helicopters to get the scatters but they’re on the first wheel and the last wheel (since there are only those two, there’s no chance of getting more scatters to give you more free spins).  Bonus is one of the harder ones in the collection.  You have to assemble a robot.  The problem is that the cheapest robot has only two parts.  So winning by assembling the bigger, more expensive, robot is very difficult to do.  Still, I overall seemed to find myself winning more than losing on this game.

Scale of 1 to 10

Bonus:  5

Scatter:  5

BID-OR-LUCK – 30 line machine.  15 free spins when you get scatters.  Another very hard game.  Hardly win at it.  The bonus is fun...if you ever get it.  It’s an auction theme so first you spin a wheel to see how many items you get to “win.”  Once you know, you get a bunch of covered items and just start choosing.  You can get a lot of points here and, again, the bonus is fun...but I rarely ever got the bonus or got the scatters.  So this didn’t get a lot of play.

Scale of 1 to 10

Bonus:  8

Scatter:  9

SALOON RUSH – 35 line machine.  5 free spins when you get scatters.  This was a machine that started out fun and then I got bored.  The bonus can get you a lot of points as you choose between one of five characters.  Each one has a X special.  If you’re lucky you can get the 5X.  Then you go to the next screen.  Each one has a “pick three of the same” prize from nuggets to wanted posters, to cards to bottles of alcohol to hats.  Pick the 5X and then pick the pick the highest value items and you can come away with a lot of coins.  I think what really pushed me away from playing this game is that after getting so many free spins with scatters, I don’t know why the makers chose to go back to five.

Scale of 1 to 10

Bonus:  7

Scatter:  4

DOWN UNDER – 30 line machine.  NO free spins when you get scatters (yes, you read that correctly).  Absolutely terrible machine – made even more so by the stupid scatter issue.  The whole point of playing these games is to get scatters and bonuses.  At least the scatters raise your “upgrade level” so that you can move faster to getting an upgrade.  This one doesn’t.  It just gives you a random amount.  If the makers nicely added an extra 20K to your level upgrade total, that’d be great – but they don’t.  The bonus?  You’re on a safari and you take photos.  Besides all that, I found the actual symbols to be both confusing AND annoying.

Scale of 1 to 10

Bonus:  2

Scatter:  0

GO BINGO – 35 line machine.  10 free spins when you get scatters.  This is one of those rare machines where I really like playing it but hate the bonus.  Set in the world of a bingo hall, the game always seems to get me coins.  It’s very rare when I play it where I don’t make more than I put in....but the bonus...oy vey!  First you get to pick from six cards 1x 1 bingo card.  1x 2 bingo cards.  2x 1 bingo card.  2x 2 bingo cards.  3x 1 bingo card.  3x 2 bingo cards.  You want the 3x 2 bingo cards to give yourself the biggest win.  The next thing you do is push a button to drop balls and fill your bingo cards.  This can take a very long time.  An EXTREMELY long time of you just pushing the button, pushing the button, pushing the button.  Also, if the Bingo cards were actually patterned after REAL bingo cards, that might have made a difference, too – but it seems pretty clearly that they just put random numbers all over the place.  Scatters are only on the first and last reel, too – so no chance of getting more than just 10 free spins if you get scatters.  Still...I continue to play this game because, like I said, I seem to make a LOT of coins but dread when the bonus comes.

Scale of 1 to 10

Bonus:  1

Scatters:  5

HALLOWEEN THRILLS – 30 Lines – 13 spins if you get scatters.  For the next few machines I have the same issues – too many symbols look too familiar.  It’s difficult for me to quickly distinguish a win or a loss.  So…I don’t play them much.  In Halloween Thrills the bonus is to go to various houses and trick-or-treat.  It’s a fun bonus but nothing to write home about – same for the machine.

Scale of 1 to 10

Bonus:  5

Scatter:  8

XTRAVAGANZA – 35 lines – 12 spins if you get scatters.  One of those games I’ve never really mastered.  Again, most of the symbols look too much alike for me to differentiate between a win or a loss.  How do you play the bonus?  Is it any fun?  Well, I have no idea as I’ve never got the bonus.  I’ve played this game approx. 80 times and have yet to get the bonus.

Scale of 1 to 10

Bonus:  n/a

Scatter:  9

CARNIVAL FRENZY – 35 lines – 5 to 20 spins if you get scatters.  Welcome to the Caribbean!   With a theme of carnival – you’ve run across a pretty fun game.   Much like the Cat Chef game you get to create your bonus – this being a band.  First the guitar for the guitar player, then the saxophone, then the bongo drum, then the tambourine, then the cocktail for the singer.  Why 5 – 20 spins for the scatters?  Well, when you get scatters you get a choice and choose wisely (5, 10 or 20 spins).  This was one of those games where, the first couple dozen times I played I got many bonuses and scatters.  Since that time I’ve gone on a losing streak with it and have no desire to play.

Scale of 1 to 10

Bonus:  7

Scatter:  5 to 10

SANTA MANIA (Special Edition) – 99 lines (yes 99 lines).  15 spins if you get scatters.  At first blush you think 99 lines is a guaranteed win.  It’s not.  This, I have found, is one of the hardest games to win at.  Just the fact that you start with a bet of 990 if you’re betting 10 per line – might put you out of your comfort zone.  Where this game excels is in the scatters and the bonus.  The bonus is simple enough:  choose an ornament on a tree and you get between 3 and 10 gifts.   Then you touch the gifts from Santa’s sleigh as he throws them out.  I have never seen a gift for less than 99 so if you get the bonus and get 10 gifts, you’re guaranteed 990 coins times however many lines you chose to bet.  With 15 spins, the scatter is the top of the line.

Scale of 1 to 10

Bonus:  9

Scatter:  10

FORTUNE FILES – 35 Lines – 10 spins if you get scatters.  When I first played this game I didn’t have much luck with it – but it has grown on me.  Scatters are hard to come by, though, so you may want to play cautiously.  The bonus, though, is quite fun as you “investigate” four different paranormal activities:  UFO, Ghosts, Loch Ness Monster and Bigfoot.  What’s nice about the bonus is that you can get some massive points pretty quickly.  Not uncommon to touch one UFO and get 35 while a different UFO could have given you 240.  Lots of points to be had, if you get lucky with your picks.

Scale of 1 to 10

Bonus:  8

Scatter:  7

THRONE OF RICHES – 40 lines – 10 free spins with scatter.  Yet another game I disowned pretty quickly but then began to enjoy.  Only real downfall of the game is that the bonus, though fun, takes a long time to load and/or play (not as long as Bingo – that’s for sure).  You “battle” four kings for their property by playing a game of WAR.  The cards can be a bit confusing, too, when they line up. 

Scale of 1 to 10

Bonus: 7

Scatter:  7

WACKY WEEDS – 35 lines – 12 free spins with scatter.  Not that enjoyable game.  A take-off on “Little Shop of Horrors” and carnivorous man eating plants.  I have spun the wheels at least 80 times and have only gotten the bonus once (you have to feed a  hungry carnivorous plant).  Maybe you’ll have better luck.  Pretty much a shrug in my book.

Scale of 1 to 10

Bonus:  4

Scatter:  8

FLAMINGO – 40 lines – 12 free spins with scatter – with DOUBLE win option!  This is, bar far, my FAVORITE of all the machines.  It actually looks like a REAL slot machine or, at least, one from back in the day...and that’s the point.  It is an homage to old-school slot machines and that is manifested in its bonus round.  When you get bonus you first have to roll two dice to see how many pulls of a classic slot machine you get.  2 through 12 (though I’ve never actually rolled a 2).  THEN you get to pick one of three machines (1x, 2x and 3x) and take your pulls.  Sound effects and graphics are spot on and the game really does feel like a trip back in time.  Plus (and this is the biggest thing) – I typically win at this machine.  (Quick story:  I was tired one night.  Had 80,000 coins and just decided to sit at Flamingo and do 8,000 coin pulls.  Just wipe myself out and start another day.  Within 30 minutes I was at 2.3 million coins.  I haven’t had that luck with this machine since – but feel I win more than I lose.)  If that doesn’t pique your interest, this is the only machine in the pre-100 grouping that has a DOUBLE win option.  Meaning that if you pull the handle and win 200,000 coins (like I did once), you can pick either a red card or a black card and win double that (or lose it).  I did this every so often but then would get frustrated with myself.  Still...if you’re feel lucky and you just won 40K, feel free to risk it all and double, triple – even quintuple it, if you guess the right card.

Scale of 1 to 10

Bonus:  10

Scatter:  8

STARS & STARLETS – 35 Lines – 5 to 20 free spins for Scatter.  With a movie theme this has an intriguing bonus.  Other than that – I really dislike the machine.  After at least 80 pulls I’ve only gotten scatter once and, again, it’s one where you get to pick and you hope you get the 20 free spins.  The bonus, though, is both difficult and fun in that you get to choose four movie reels.  The first reel tells you how many times the bonus win is going to be multiplied.  Then the other reels put the film together.  You don’t know if you’ve chosen a good multiplier or a good reel until the film is put together and shown.  As a huge movie buff, I wanted to really REALLY like this game and, sadly, I don’t.  I think the bonus is fun but out of 80+ pulls, I’ve only gotten the bonus twice and no scatters.

Scale of 1 to 10

Bonus:  9 (if you ever get it)

Scatter:  5 to 10 (if you ever get it)

ARABIAN TALES – 40 Lines – 13 free spins with Scatters.  You’re back in Arabia hanging out with monkeys and Sheiks, etc.  Bonus game is quite fun as it harkens to the Christmas game.  You get three lamps.  In each lamp is a 3 a 5 or a 7.  Once you choose you’re riding on the back of a magic carpet with your monkey pilot and you choose jewels.  You can win quite a bit of coin here.  I’ve found this machine, though, to be real hit or miss.  Sometimes I win a ton, other times I win next to nothing.

Scale of 1 to 10

Bonus:  9

Scatter:  9

TEXAS BOSS – 40 Lines – 10 free spins with Scatters.  With a “Dallas” TV Show theme, you’re an oil billionaire with yachts and limos and gold and alcohol.  Bonus game is quite fun in that you first get to pick three portions of property to choose to drill for oil.  Depending on which one you choose, you get 2, 3 or 4 chances to choose correctly.  Then a grid is placed and you start picking which square to drill for oil.  Watch out for the rubber ducky and water spout.  If you get 4 chances, you could win quite a bit of coin due to the fact that most grids only have 6 rubber duckys and waterspouts to stop you.  This game is also the first of the games with a scrolling “Wild.”  When you get the oil gusher it expands to give you wilds in all that line.  Usually guaranteeing you a lot of coin.  Sadly, that’s about the only way to really win this game.  You don’t often just get a straight up “five times” that sends your winnings over your bet.

Scale of 1 to 10

Bonus:  9

Scatter:  7

FUROCIOUS FOOTBALL – 40 Lines – 15 free spins with Scatters.  Who doesn’t want to see animals play football (or cats making burgers)?  God knows I don’t.  Quick disclaimer:  When a new machine opens up, I will often play it 20 or 30 times so I get a feel for the scatter, the bonus and what wins.  Even after 50 tries, I have yet to get a bonus.  It might be fun.  Might be hilarious.  I have no idea.  In fact I don’t think I’ve ever won on this game.  So...take your chances.  Maybe it’ll be nice to you.

Scale of 1 to 10

Bonus:  n/a

Scatter:  10

ROCK HISTORY – 40 Lines – 12 free spins with scatters.  One of the few games I was looking forward to when I saw it coming up.  Looked intriguing and I was not disappointed when I opened it.  It was only after playing it that I got disappointed.  50+ plays and I have yet to hit a scatter and have only once got the bonus.  Love the theme.  Sound effects and graphics are spot-on like most of the machines – but nothing I can tell you much about this one.  Again, good luck with it.

Scale of 1 to 10

Bonus:  8 (if you ever get to play it)

Scatter:  9 (if you ever get one)

FULL DISCLAIMER:  The following machines I have not played too much.  Note that I’ve, at least, played them 30 times a piece but, certainly, not as many times as the other machines in this collection.  So take my comments here with even more of a grain of salt than my other comments.

PARTY IN WONDERLAND – 40 Lines – 10 free spins with scatters.  Not that great.  An “Alice in Wonderland” theme.  Have yet to play the bonus round or, I think, to even get the scatters.  Note that this machine has the “expanding wild” that gets you a lot of coins if it lands correctly

Scale of 1 to 10

Bonus:  n/a

Scatter:  7 (if you ever get one)

SPUNKY SCHOOL – 40 Lines – 5 to 20 spins with scatters (if you choose the right one).  Following up on a “Monster’s, Inc.” type of theme – you’ve got monsters....and they’re in school.  Have yet to get the bonus.  Have yet to get the scatters.  Not too inspired to keep playing.

Scale of 1 to 10

Bonus:  n/a

Scatter:  4 – 10

RUSH FOR RICHES – 35 lines – 13 spins with “rush for riches”.  A game where you’re back panning for gold.  Bonus is fun as you’re looking for gold nuggets.  Have yet to get the “rush for riches.”  Note, this game has something called ‘scatter bonus’ which if you get the scatters it doesn’t give you free spins but it can give you up to 25x.  Since I have yet to get either...shrug.

Scale of 1 to 10

Bonus:  7

Scatter:  9 (called “Rush for Riches”)

SPORTS FEVER – 30 Lines – 9 free spins with scatters.  This is an Olympic Themed game.  Some of the symbols, though, seem made up as I have no idea what Olympic type sport they’re trying to portray.  This game also has the “Expanding Wild.”  Have yet to get the bonus so can’t tell you anything about that.

Scale of 1 to 10

Bonus:  n/a

Scatter:  6

$PIN-UP$ - 40 lines – have no idea what the free spins are or how many.  With a 1940’s Pin-Up theme, this machine appears to be based on an actual REAL slot machine (via the copyright).  Not as much fun as I hoped and very hard to win.  Have yet to play any bonus round.  Have yet to get any free spins and have no idea how many spins you get for free.  Don’t bother.

Scale of 1 to 10

Bonus:  n/a

Scatter:  n/a

AROUND THE WORLD IN 80 SPINS – 40 Lines – 10 free spins with scatters.  The most recent game I’ve opened and played and this is a wonderful game.  Great feel, amazing graphics and a fun bonus round.  After opening up a lot of dreck, it was nice to get to play another really fun machine.

Scale of 1 to 10

Bonus:  8

Scatter:  7

Writing About Writer's Block

Full disclaimer:  Writing about writer’s block is akin to jogging while telling someone you never go jogging.  I completely understand the absurdity of writing about writer’s block but, well, someone’s got to do it...right?  And knowing that the only way to actually get out of writer’s block is to write well...then...

Back in the ‘80’s I considered myself a novel writer.  I had already written a couple books and they were now taking up valuable box space and I had written my latest book.  This was entitled “The Hidden Heart.”  If I remember right, the plot was something like this:  Guy meets up with a girl, falls in love with her.  She breaks his heart.  Not only breaks his heart, but takes it out, spits on it, stomps on it, chews it up, spits it out, spits on it some more.  Guy, depressed, gets in an accident (I don’t know if he tried to kill himself) and screws up his face.  After going through plastic surgery he realizes that his old girlfriend would not be able to recognize him.  Knowing what he knows about her, he becomes her perfect mate and waits until she falls in love with him before he breaks up with her and breaks HER heart!  So THERE!  (or something like that)

Now, when I say “written a book” what that really means is that I typed up the book on an old typewriter.  I re-wrote it once and then it became box-filler.

When I worked at Betts Patterson & Mines, I made fast friends with a guy named Dick.  Dick was exactly the type of mentor that I needed.  An accomplished writer (he had an article published in a magazine!) and older and wiser, he was just what I was looking for.  So it was with great excitement that I handed off my book to him for feedback.  Before this I never, EVER, gave anyone my books to read.  They were happily content to fill a box.

As weeks and months went by I kept asking Dick if he had any suggestions.  His response was always the same:  “I’m reading it.”  But...uh...reading it?  It’s like 120 pages double-spaced.  It was more of a novella instead of an actual novel.  So then I do the dog-and-pony-show of hovering.  Walking by his office, finding reasons to chat for no other point than to hope he’ll say:  “Oh, I finished your book and it was WONDERFUL!!”  But those weren’t coming.

Finally, one hover too much – one moment too long talking about the weather, or whatever it was, Dick handed me back my book and said:  “Sorry, can’t finish it.”  “What?  Wait, what?  Can’t finish it?  But...why?”  He couldn’t explain at that time and he ran off to do something and I was crestfallen.  Heartbroken like the main character in the story.  Couldn’t.  Finish.  It.  Words that stung like a thousand bee stings.  Like getting hit in the head with a board filled with a thousand bee stingers.  Like my head is in a board hitting machine filled with a thousand angry bees – okay, you get the point.

It wasn’t until a few weeks (months?) later when I finally had Dick over to my apartment and he nicely explained to me that he couldn’t read my book not because of its subject matter but because I was just a terrible writer.  Oh, that made me feel better....wait...what?   You see Dick, first and foremost, is an editor and all he wanted to do was edit my book – not read it.  I would write “Ya” instead of “Yeah” and many other grammatical and structural errors.  He could not put his editing hat aside and just enjoy the book...he couldn’t look beyond the crap that I had put on the page.

At least now I had an answer.  I also now had full on writer’s block.

I don’t know how long it lasted, but it was a while before I felt inspired enough to put pen to paper.  Fingers to keyboard.  I went through a complete “re-thought” as to why I wanted to be a writer, what was pushing me, where was I going, what was the point.  A soul searching, career humbling, shake out the pan of gold and see if anything is left, process.  And I came to the one conclusion I always come to when it comes to writing:  I write because I have to write.  I know of nothing else.

Possibly, in this process, I finally learned that maybe novels weren’t my thing and how about I try screenwriting instead.  VIOLA!  20 screenplays, 15 years screenwriting teacher, options, film made, etc. I think I chose correctly.

A number of years ago I had come up with a script idea.  Tooling around in my friend Troy’s car we were talking about Troy’s job of being the stage manager of a theme park princess show.  He mentioned some of the issues he has to go through, some of the personalities involved and I laughed and said:  “There’s a script there.”  I inserted that into my brain matter and moved on.

The way ideas work in my brain is like this.  Imagine four or five rabid bunnies – all cute and hopping around and foaming at the mouth.  Eventually one of those hopping bunnies starts to attack and eat the other hopping bunnies until there’s one hopping cute rabid bunny left.  And that’s how my brain works with ideas.  I have a few up there bouncing around and, eventually, one takes over.  I start thinking about that one idea, I start exploring that one idea, that one idea begins to jell into something that is actually partially cohesive and, before I know it, it’s fleshed out into something possibly usable.  “Bad Princesses” was one of those ideas.

Over the past few years, though, I had worked with co-writers.  Keith, James, Gina and others.  I hadn’t written a script ON MY OWN in over a year or so.  All my creative juices were flowing to these collaborative projects and as satisfying as these projects were, and are, I felt like I needed to go “old school” and just write this on my own.  Not talk to anyone about it, not pose questions out there, not send pages to friends for feedback.  Not even really pitch it to anyone.  I just wanted to go back to 1988 when I sat at my Amstrad computer (bought at Sears for $299 – with a printer!) and typed away.

So I did it.  I sat down and did it.  I wrote “Bad Princesses” and sent it out to all my reader friends for feedback.  And the first response I got from everyone was:  “I didn’t know you were writing this.”  Hell no you didn’t know!  That’s me.  Writing!  Ha!!  I didn’t tell no one...I went all solo on your asses.  And then, of course, the early reviews came in and they were positive but I had some work I needed to do and I understood that – so I dove back into a re-write and another re-write and it began to jell further.  I was happy with what I created.  It was, relatively, solid.  No script is ever finished and I know that all writing is re-writing but this was a happy journey.

Soon after I finished, I sent it to my manager in L.A. who promptly told me she didn’t have time to read it and to send it to her the following month.  Now with my manager, you hope that she takes the script, sees a spark in it somewhere and, of course, loves it.  Then you hope she takes the script and shops it around.  Then you hope that one of the producer she shops it to loves it.  Then you hope that they’re willing to buy it and then...and then...and then... “I’d like to thank the Academy for seeing beyond the nudity, bad language and overall trashiness that is “Bad Princesses” and finding the heart in this story.  Thank you all.”

But...she was busy.  That glory would have to wait.

Within a few months, though, it appeared she wouldn’t be able to read it.  Finally, with a trip to L.A. looming, I figured I would toss it her direction one more time.  Certainly I didn’t want to go to L.A. for a week where I could meet with producers/investors/stars and pass up that opportunity.  So with that argument in hand – I sent her the script as she said she’d give it a read.

About a week later her response to me was:  “I literally hated every word.”  SERIOUSLY?  Really...?  On page two I used the word “devoid.”  On page twenty-three I used the words “to her.”   On page sixty-five I used the word “dumbfounded” (okay, I could see why she may have hated that word).  On page ninety-five I used the word “SIREN” (I put it in ALL CAPS since it’s a sound).  But, hey, I’m taking her at her word that she LITERALLY HATED EVERY WORD.  Even the words “FADE TO BLACK” on page 115 (I would think she’d be happy to see those words).

Sigh.  Was this the Dick situation all over again?

In the mix, I decided to spend the $60 and put what I consider my “calling-card” script on Inktip.  “Search for Santa” was finally going to be unleashed on the world (this was the script that got me my manager in the first place).  This was going to be six months of glory as people would be knocking themselves over to buy my script.  To heck with her and her “literally hate” and all that.  It was time for me to step up and do my own marketing.

Six months came and went without barely a twitter or ding.  Maybe one company looked at the script and that was it.  It felt like those moments where you’re holding the PERFECT skipping rock.  The lake is calm.  The rock has the correct weight, feel, size.  It’s perfect.  No wind.  Lake is STILL calm.  You ready yourself, cock your arm back, lean down a bit to allow the release to be the right angle and you throw.  Only to see it sink in one “blomp!” and that’s it for your perfect skipping rock.  And that was it for my Santa script.

My manager’s insistence that I had wasted months and, I guess, every word in the English language and the lack of response from Inktip tossed me into a writer’s block that I hadn’t seen since, well, Dick told me he couldn’t finish my book.

For me, though, writer’s block isn’t so much as a desire NOT to write or a struggle not to write – it’s more insidious than that.  It tells me that it’s okay not to write.  It rationalizes other aspects of my life.  It glosses over absurdity to tell me, reassure me, that it’s okay not to write.  Suddenly I’m not only making excuses, I’m making rationalizations:  “I don’t need to write, I’m helping Nick with his video project.”  - “I don’t need to write, I’m exploring ideas.”  - “I don’t need to write, I’m teaching.”

But then, as the rationalizations and excuses begin to pile on top of each other like bad skipping stones the depression starts to take hold.  The lack of creativity seeps into my mind and pushes whatever triumphs I’ve had in the past, whatever moments where I’ve exalted my talent, those conversations where my co-writer and I realize we’ve landed a perfect scene (only to be re-written later because, you know, it’s never perfect), and all the progress I’ve made gets tossed into the dustbin of faded memories and shoulder shrugs.  And then more excuses come into play or distractions take hold and time slips away like that stone in the water – never to come back.

As days turn into weeks and weeks into months I feel like Gollum after he’s lost his “precious” wanting to do whatever to get it back.  Friend victories (of which are on displayed on Facebook 24/7) are both praised and “liked” and encouraged, while the twinges of jealousy flitter around the edges.  The writing continues on to Mount Doom and me, closely following it but not grasping it.  I’ll insert an excuse here.  That’ll make me feel better.  I’ll toss up a rationalization here, that’ll hold me for another day or two.  Oh, look, another friend wrote a great commentary on Facebook.  Certainly I’ll view your documentary, damn it’s good.  Wow, you wrote and performed and sold copies and...I’m happy for you.  Seriously.

There comes a time, though, when I’m in the throes of writer’s block...when the voices in my head tell me that it’s okay to waste time playing “Slotomania” or “Angry Birds” or it’s just fine to not write, not explore, not read, not do anything when I finally look at all of it.  Whether it be Dick in 1988 or my manager in 2012 where I finally call BS on it all because that’s all it is.  Dick or my manager or “Slotomania” or whatever didn’t turn me away from writing...I turned me away from writing.  For whatever reason my writing journey took an extended break and I need to take the active steps to get back up on that horse, find that perfect skipping rock or rabid bunny and write again.  Just write.  Whether it’s a blog on writer’s block, or in my diary, or...whatever.

It’s all on me.  It’s all within me.  The power is mine.  No excuses.  No rationalizations.  No BS.

Fiction in Non-Fiction Movies

“Never let facts get in the way of a good story.”

I’m certain this quote was spoken by someone in the Hollywood industry.  I just can’t remember who.

I recently watched three films that are based on true stories – all to varying degrees of excellence (or lack thereof).

Argo - see, it says so right on the poster

 

The first film was “Argo” – the movie that won Best Picture for 2012.  Directed by Ben Affleck it told the true story of six Americans that hid out in the Canadian embassy until someone from the U.S. came up with a specialized plan to get them out.

Having watched some of the interviews with the real live persons, and seeing that they’re all over the blu-ray disc, I assume that the film is pretty historically accurate.  But, I’m sure, a lot of the “Hollywoodization” of the film – some close calls, conflicts, and the chase at the end to stop the plane are all fabricated so we, the audience, can get our adrenaline going and wonder what eventually will happen.  Affleck does a very good job of ramping up the conflict and it IS a good exciting piece of filmmaking, but what truth was sacrificed to create a good story.  What facts were kicked to the curb.

The second film I watched was the film “The Last King of Scotland” – another good Hollywood vehicle and award winner – this film tells the story of a young idealistic doctor who goes to Uganda to help the poor.  Next thing you know he’s hanging with the President (Idi Amin) and doing all the things that a close confidant is allowed to do:  drink, party, drink, party.  Ooopsy, though, he sleeps with one of Amin’s many wives, gets caught up in political whatnot, tries to escape, tries to escape again and finally succeeds.  This film, too, has a tense filled scene at the end as the Dr. escapes on a plane.  This precedes a scene that is so blatantly stupid that it almost ruins the film.  The scene?

Beat-up Hero in the Duty Free Shop

 

Dr. Feelgood is trying to poison the president – when he gets found out he gets the crap kicked out of him and is dragged to a duty free gift shop in a crowded airport (crowded because there are hostages and Israelis and camera crews).  Ami comes in and tells the good Dr. that he knows about his wife, monologues for a bit, and then has his henchmen pull him on meat-hooks, I guess, to anticipate his coming execution.  How no one in the entire airport doesn’t see this happen is beyond me.

With the wife...what you didn't think you were

 gonna be found out?

 

Then, after the Dr. has been hanging around for a while, the henchmen take him down and then, uh, leave to have a drink somewhere.  I think one even says: “Oh, he ain’t goin’ nowhere.”  Which, of course, is enough time for another rival, good, Dr. to come in and make the save and get him to escape.

Actor (left) - very good.  Real Dictator (right) - very bad.

 

Forest Whitaker’s amazing performance as Idi Amin and a ripping good story keep it from not falling completely apart but I fled to my Wikipedia to find out about the doctor and find the book that he had written about his experience.  What did I find out?  Oh, there was no doctor.  Yes, the book is “kinda” based on the same story – but not a doctor – a soldier.  And the author lived in Uganda for 10 years or something and was a reporter – so I don’t doubt that the atrocities and story beats are based in fact – but I was a bit saddened to find out that there was no doctor and that whole story was made up.  Or, in essence, a combination of other stories pooled together to make one solid story.

Lastly, I watched the film “The Worlds Fastest Indian.”

One of the year's best?  I dunno...

This film is based on the true story of Herbert Monro – a New Zealander motorcycle rider who got it in his mind that he wanted to come to America and test his modified motorcycle at the salt flats in Utah.  His hope was to travel beyond the speed of 200 mph and set a new land-speed record for that type of motorcycle.  Good for him.

I was ready to rip this film to shreds until I read the Wikipedia page and then it become abundantly clear what writer/director Roger Donaldson was doing.  Still…I’m going to rip it to shreds.

Real Burt aka Bert ...I think.

 

The biggest problem I have with this film, and again, it’s based on fact…I guess…  Is that Mr. Monro’s journey is all so very simple and non complicated.  He’s also the greatest, sweetest most wonderful guy you’d ever want to meet.  SERIOUSLY.  Is only real personality “flaw” is that he pees on his lemon tree.  That’s it!  This film has so little conflict in it of any sort of weight or merit, that I swear it’s more of a Hallmark card to an old grease-monkey than an actual film.

The genuine article - Bob's Your Uncle!

Let me go through the conflicts one-by-one:

Conflict one:  Bert tests his loud motorcycle at a God-awful time in the morning.  The neighbor complains he’s going to call the cops.  That’s it.

Conflict two:  Bert has a party to raise funds for his trip, a group of “bad bikers” shows up (why, I don’t know) and challenge him to a race.  He says…Okay.

Conflict three:  They race.  Though Bert loses (he crashes).  He’s not injured in the slightest.

Conflict four:  He beds the local Social Security clerk (really with no problem – he has to wash his hands before she’ll sleep with him).

This happens A LOT in this movie.

 

Conflict five:  He has a near heart-attack.  Now, I’ll call this the BIG CONFLICT because this reoccurs throughout the film and hangs like a low cloud over everything because you want to know…is he going to have a heart attack and die?  Spoiler alert:  He doesn’t.

Conflict six:  He goes to the bank to mortgage his house to pay for the trip.  No problems there.

Conflict seven:  He sets a match to his yard to “cut the grass” nothing else catches on fire.

Conflict eight:  On his way to the ship to take him to the U.S. the bike gang shows up and…gives him money for beer (he doesn’t drink).

Conflict nine:  On the ship he has to be the cook, no one complains and, I guess, he’s a good cook.

Conflict ten:  He gets to America and his visa or there’s a problem in customs but it just so happens that a guy read an article about Monro in Popular Mechanic’s magazine and so that’s good enough for him.

Conflict eleven:  He takes a cab to his hotel and the guy tells him it’s $27 or something and that makes Bert a little angry.

Conflict twelve:  A flower seller steals $10 from his wallet when he goes to buy a flower.

Conflict thirteen:  The clerk at the hotel is a transvestite black man dressed as a woman.  Bert has no problems with this whatsoever.  He’s not bothered by the race difference, he’s not bothered by the homosexual or drag queen angle of, he’s fine being seen with her out at a restaurant, etc.

Conflict fourteen:  He goes to buy a car, negotiates a better price on the car and then tweaks the car so it runs better.  And then he’s offered a job at the car dealership to fix cars and is loved by the owner.

Conflict fifteen:  He goes to customs to get his bike and the box is crushed!  NO!  Oh, the bike is fine.

Conflict sixteen:  He heads on his way to Utah and, on his way there, the trailer carrying his precious bike loses a tire and the trailer crashes!  NO!  Oh, the bike is fine.  He finds a log and uses that to replace the wheel.

Conflict seventeen:  A man comes along and not only helps him, he also feeds him, gives him native American medicine and puts a necklace around his neck for good luck.  Alas, though, he’s not able to replace the wheel.

Conflict eighteen:  In hopes of replacing the wheel he ends up on a run-down farm.  The woman owner of the farm shows him her husband’s gravesite (been dead for ten years) and then a rattlesnake ALMOST bites Bert.

Conflict nineteen:  As soon as you can say “bob’s your uncle” he’s slept with the farm woman.

Conflict twenty:  On the way to Utah he sleeps in his car by the side of the road, a cop pulls over and tells him to move along and that he “can’t do that.”  No ticket.  No confiscating the weird contraption.

Conflict twenty-one:  He gets to the salt flats and didn’t register weeks ago.  They let that pass even after saying “rules are rules” about a dozen times.

Rules are rules?  Who cares, as long as you've got 

over-acting friends like these!

Conflict twenty-two:  The inspectors say his bike is unable to run as it’s too dangerous.  They let that pass.

Conflict twenty-three:  Running out of money a nice guy pays for a hotel room for him.

Conflict twenty-four:  Veteran racer comes in and sees him taking medication for his heart and says that he’s “tried everything” to allow him to race his bike.  Says he’ll try again, even though he now knows that the guy could die at any moment.

Conflict twenty-five:   He does a “minor” test run against the officials’ wishes and they don’t punish him.

Conflict twenty-six:  The officials decide to do a run where they travel with him and even though the bike is wobbly and dangerous and he went way too fast for them – they decide for him to race for real.

Conflict twenty-seven:  He does another test run on a Nevada highway and gets pulled over by the cops.  Gets off with a warning.  No ticket.

Conflict twenty-eight:  Low on funds, people pool their money together for him (note:  This is based on fact as there’s a photo in some magazine that they recreated for the film).

Conflict twenty-nine:  It’s the final race:  Is he going to surpass 200 mph?  Is the bike going to crash?  Is he going to burn his leg up on the exhaust?  Is he going to die?  (wait, I spoiled that last one already didn’t I)  I’ll tell you this:  He crashes.  He’s fine...other than his leg being burned quite a bit.

Final crash...have a little salt in that wound?

 

There you go.  29 conflict moments, or beats, in this film that all, pretty much, get a pass.  There’s no “all is lost moment.”  There’s no point at all where I thought that the story was going to turn out differently than what was presented.  And to be honest, maybe the above is EXACTLY how it happened in real life.  I don’t know.  Maybe those are the facts and everyone was super sweet to him and he slept around and didn’t get bit by a rattlesnake and no cop gave him a ticket but by GOD, I wanted something like that to happen to him.  For goshsakes do SOMETHING to him.  Don’t make the journey so easy.

Above I wrote that it was obvious what Roger Donaldson was doing when I read the Wikipedia page.  It said that Donaldson had worked on this story for 12 years – even after making a documentary about Mr. Monro.  Well, that’s peachy, but that’s also God creating.  The character, played fine by Anthony Hopkins, is a complete endearing puppy dog of a man.  You couldn’t make him more loveable if he was carrying puppies and babies from a burning building.  He absolutely has NO FLAWS (other than peeing on a lemon tree which, according to Wikipedia, was a homage to Donaldson’s father and not something that Monro did).

A lot of these were actually Monro's - which is kind of nice that

 they put this bit of realism into the movie.

When creating characters or heroes, you MUST give them a flaw.  (Potential for having a heart-attack at any moment is not a flaw.)  Being brash and taking unnecessary risks is a flaw (Top Gun).  Unsure of yourself and what you’re capable of and struggling to succeed is a flaw (multiple films).  Even being stuck in a foreign land after making bad decisions is a flaw (Wizard of Oz).  In fact, most films are described as someone who is stuck trying to get un-stuck and therein the conflict arises.   But I never ever felt that Monro was stuck in any sort of way.  Nor does the character go through any sort of arc?  He doesn’t change throughout the story which also leaves the story flat.  He’s the same guy from frame one through frame million.

What would I do differently?  I would have him lose his bike (Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure).  I would have him suffer a heart-attack.  I would have destroyed the bike and forced him to rebuild it.  I would have had him arrested.  I would have a tire blow-out and break his arm.  ANYTHING more than just:  “You can’t do it.”  30 seconds later.  “Okay you can do it.”

Again, I’m not disputing the potential facts of the story.  Again, it could have happened EXACTLY that way and wouldn’t I look like an idiot?  But there are facts here that could have been used to enhance the story beyond what it already is.  In real life Mr. Monro was divorced.  He could have talked about that.  In real life Mr. Monro had four kids.  Where?  Not a mention in the story.  What about them confronting their father about this trip.  Their concern for his health.  Even a plot point used in the story blurs the truth.  In the story Mr. Monro has a wonderful speech about his twin brother who died when a tree fell on him.  In real life Mr. Monro had a twin sister who was still-born and an older brother who died when a tree fell on him.  Is it too difficult to change the speech to an older brother?  ie:  The truth?  I guess the writer’s felt it would have more impact on him if it was a twin.  I can see that – but you could even use the real life still-born twin.

Back to the God Complex.  According to Wikipedia this film broke box office records in New Zealand so it is obvious to me that this Monro guy is a folk hero and no one wants to see their folk hero struggle.  They want to see their folk hero succeed on every level.  Who wants to see them hurt/die/suffer?  It may make a wonderful fairy-tale, but it sure as heck doesn’t make a compelling film.

There was another “fact based” film from down-under entitled “Phar Lap.”  I learned of Phar Lap from a co-worker who loved horses.  “Phar Lap” was one of the fastest horses that ever lived and it got to the point where they had to put weights on the horse just so he wouldn’t win every race.  Eventually those weights wore him down and he died.  (I can’t remember if he died on the track or what.)  My co-worker told me that when they did an autopsy on Phar Lap they found out that the horse’s heart was twice the size of a normal horse’s heart.

Australia had a hero horse, New Zealand had a hero old codger.

 

When I watched the film and it ended with the dead horse, one of the characters said:  “Wow, that horse must’ve had some heart.”  And...that was it.  Nothing about the double size.  No title screen where it said this.  Just....the end.  Go figure.  Like some weird inside Australian joke.  Where everyone who knows can nod knowingly.  But for the 90% of us out there that didn’t know – we miss out on amazing little bit of fact.

I assume this is the horse's actual heart, him being

 a hero to a nation and all...but, still, kinda gross.

 Pretty horse, but could it go 200 mph?  I doubt it.

Well, as they say:  “Never let the facts get in the way of a story.”