Birthday Lunch

It always starts simple enough:  “Hey!  It’s so-and-so’s birthday, and we’re going to lunch.  Want to come?”  “Sure!”

Of course, when you’re going to a birthday lunch, it’s implied that the birthday gal or guy doesn’t have to pay.  That the group going is willing to pitch in an extra buck or buck-and-a-half to pay for their lunch.  Hell, you only turn XX once in your life.  The least your friends can do is toss a dollar in a hat and pay for your greasy burger.

But...what starts simple typically doesn’t end that way.  The gathering of 10 or so people (nine who have to pay) works their way to the local burger joint or pizza place or whatever and sit down to eat.  One of the persons looks over the menu and decides:  “Oh, gee, I want to get an appetizer” and before you can say “ka-ching!” the $8 appetizer is delivered and added to the bill.  And what of the “water drinker” who doesn’t spend $2.50 on a Coke?  And then, when all is said and done, the remaining three people (usually including the bloated birthday celebrater) are stuck looking over the bill and wondering why, with tip, it’s still $5 short.  “Who got the appetizer?  Who got the $6 dessert?  Here...here’s a couple more bucks.”

When I worked at Miller Nash, these amazing Bermuda Triangles of Birthday Cash would happen so frequently that a secretary came up with an excel spreadsheet based on a menu e-mails and pre-selected food choices to come up with HOW MUCH YOU OWE (including gratuity and payment of Birthday celebrant):  “8.95.”  And I think she demanded payment in advance.  All “extras” like appetizers and desserts were the sole responsibility of the orderer and not placed in the pool of cash.

After I arrived at Heller and getting used to my new job as middle manager, an announcement was made that the managers were going to go out to a birthday lunch.  Sweet!  Should be fun.  The person organizing the lunch was gathering us all together at a local hotel restaurant (separate room, too!) and this would be a great way for me to get to know my fellow managers.  “Oh, uh, how are we going to pay for this?”  “Don’t worry, Matt, we’ll get it figured out.”

Having the Lunch Spreadsheet Secretary fresh in my mind I couldn’t help but see a few of us huddled over the receipt long after most had left trying to figure out who ordered the extra Caesar Salad.  The fear of tossing in a few bucks just to make it come out even was starting to well up inside but BUT the organizer said to not worry and “we’ll get it figured out.”

When we got to the restaurant I brought it up again.  “So, are we doing separate bills?  I’m just curious...”  “God, Matt, give it a rest.  Don’t WORRY about it.  Sheesh!!”

And so the ordering began....  “Oooh!  Let’s split an appetizer!  (Ka-ching!)  Would you mind if I got a glass of wine?  (Ka-ching!)   How about we get an extra entre and split that?  (Ka-ching!)”  And so it went.

Looking over the menu I bought the least expensive thing:   An $8 burger with fries and a free glass of water.

I watched as the food came and went and appetizers were shared and enjoyed and I ate my dry burger.

Finally, after an hour-and-a-half of gluttony (save for yours truly), the bill came.  Ready with my $10 bill the person in charge said:  “I’ll pay for it and you can reimburse me later.”  With a shrug of my shoulders what I knew this meant was that she would, somehow, try to get the firm to pay for it.  Shoulda ordered more.

And it was confirmed.  Soon after I got back to work, an e-mail went out to all the lunch participants that the firm was covering the lunch.  That was sure swell of them and I regretted not getting the cheese on my burger or getting a side salad.  Live and learn and maybe next time.

About a half-hour later I get another e-mail:  “Hey, the firm isn’t covering the lunch bill after all.  You’re amount is $24.”

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?!

I bought an $8 burger!  WITH WATER!  Of course what she had done was taken the total bill and divided it evenly amongst the participants and everyone was to “fairly” chunk in their percentage.

I was pissed.  I promptly sent her an e-mail back explaining that I had bought an $8 burger and shouldn’t be responsible for those who got an appetizer or dessert or an “extra entre to split.”

She came to me, angry that I was even questioning it, and said:  “Just pay what you want!”  And stormed off.  It wasn’t so much that I was paying 3x for my burger, but simply the fact that she was blowing off my genuine lunch payment concern.  If I had known the rules going in...I might not have come or...I might have ordered more since so-and-so would cover my side salad or something.

Since I was still relatively new and didn’t want to look like the cheap douche-bag that I am, I paid my $24 share.

Funny, we never got together for a birthday lunch again.