My Wife is Not My Best Friend

MY WIFE IS NOT MY BEST FRIEND

(Author’s Note:  This is my opinion.  You may feel your spouse is your bestest friend in all the world and that’s great.  This is not to slight your relationship in any way, this is just my opinion.  Thanks.)

I’ve only ever traveled first class once.  A friend of mine who worked for Alaska Airlines got us upgraded to First Class on a flight to L.A.  Though it’s a relatively short 2.5 hour flight, I wanted to take full advantage of being in First Class – including champagne and extra leg room.  Who knows when, if ever, I will fly first class again.

Just like this, just remove the TV and add champagne.

The other day I took our car to a car wash and you had three options:  Bronze, Silver and Gold.  The higher you went up (ie: the more money you paid) the better and more thorough service you would get.  Even though I paid for “silver” (good) when I gave the worker a two dollar tip – he told me that I would get the “gold” (best) treatment.  Sure as heck I want the added foam wax and the sealer wax.

Honestly, you can't have too much wax.

Before I get too far into the weeds here, I think what bothers me when I see advertising or read anniversary cards that refer to someone’s spouse as their “best friend” that I think I need to define, to me, what or who a best friend is.

Who am I to speak?  Well, I’ve had – and continue to have, many friends and best friends during my life.  In elementary school, my best friend was a boy by the name of Barry.  We used to go to his house during lunch and watch “Get Smart.”  In Jr. High I went through an annoying phase where I had very few friends, all by my doing.  In High School I had Nathan and then Nathan had other friends and we didn’t talk much and then I met Jason.  Also during that time I had my first female best friend - Kathy.  Out of high school it was Carolyn (along with Jason).  Then Jason fell out of the picture for a few years…until he came back.  I’ve continued to have really close friends like Jim, Steve, Earl, Jen, Gina, Keith, Kim, Cecille, Lynsey, Christine, Stephen, Richard, Taso, Kelley and others.  I’ve lost some friends along the way (Susan, Kristin, Loring), too.  I am truly blessed and I never want to take them for granted.

In 2016 I think there are a number of friend levels.  Just think of them as car wash levels, just with less wax:

Facebook “Friend” – Someone you know on Facebook who is friends with a friend of a friend and might share some the same interests and political viewpoints.  You may not know them, you may have never met them but they’re friends with so-and-so and they posted that cool cat meme and thus…you’re friends.

Time spent together – hard to determine.

So many "friends."

Casual Friend – Typically this is a friend of a friend who spends time at your house.  This can include your friend’s current girlfriend or boyfriend who comes to hang out.  Maybe it’s a friend of your son or daughter who came over because you were having a barbecue. 

Time spent together – a couple hours every so often while you watch a sporting event together or said barbecue.

I like the sport thing you like or something...

Co-worker Friend – This is a person you see on a nearly daily basis.  You talk about family, life, “what you up to this weekend?”  You find out about their kids, their sickly mother, their trip to Kansas City, Missouri.  Very rarely do you spend any time outside of the office together and the moment they leave or you leave they will, most likely, become relegated to Facebook Friend…if that. 

Time spent together – 40 hours a week plus overtime.

Hey!  Let's be really close and enjoy each other's company until one of us gets fired.

  Wow, check out this article about how diverse our workplace is.

Neighbor Friend – Depending on the relationship, this could bump up to “REALLY Close Friend” but mostly this friendship is spent talking about the concerns of the neighborhood, chatting over barbecue, having a common purpose of making sure that so-and-so doesn’t cut down that one tree and what’s with the downtown renovation? 

Time spent together – not much, but it’s quality time when it happens.  Most often this is represented by casual waves and meet-ups at the mailbox.

"I baked these with my sweat..."

Close Friend – Much like the Co-worker Friend, a close friend is someone you spend time with, but outside the office.  Someone you’ve broken bread with and had a glass of wine with.  Still, they’re kept at arm’s length.  Maybe there’s a trust issue.  Maybe you just haven’t gotten to know them yet.  Maybe it’s the fact that they love white chocolate and that’s just…gross. 

Time spent together – undeterminable but when it happens, it’s fun and “we should do this more often.”  And possibly Karaoke is involved.

"Where are the presents you bastard?"

REALLY Close Friend – On the fringes of Best Friend, these are friends you seek out to be with.  Many meals have been shared.  Many tears have been shed.  Deep conversations about life and love and hurt and loss.  These friends are deeply influential in your life.  Maybe you have some shared interests that bring you together.  Still, they never raise to status of “Best” friend maybe it’s because you just never spend enough time together or you don’t have a fully shared history. 

Time spent together – unspecific but when you’re together you have a great time and often seek time together.

"That's right, two beautiful women and shorts with lots of pockets!  Thumbs up!"

Best Friend – How to define a Best Friend?  They are an extension of yourself in a way.  A chemistry that is unparalleled.  They sometimes know you better than you know yourself.  You have some similar interests (like crappy movies) that your spouse doesn’t care for.  You have a deep history together.  Maybe you haven’t talked for years, but you can pick up where you left off.  You’re nowhere near the person you would be today without them in your life.  You can’t imagine them out of your life and you remember fondly the times they’ve been in your life.  You take their advice, you give them advice.  You’ve knocked on their door at 1 a.m.  You’ve called them in a panic at 3 a.m.  You’ve opened your heart to them. 

Time spent together – undetermined but when the time is spent, it’s wonderful and insightful and sometimes silly.

There's even jewelry.

Spouse – all of the above, but with sex included.  Well, that and mortgage payments, debt, the raising of children, sickness, health, worrying about the future, optimistic about the future, camping trips, pets, pet deaths, family influences and impact, worrying about the kids, Christmas mornings and New Year’s eve,  bill paying, home improvements, retirement conversations, 401Ks, tax returns, car tabs, TV show juggling, grocery shopping, arguments/disagreements, boxed wine, meal planning, trips to the coast, birthday party planning, Hallmark cards, issues regarding dishwasher loading, extended naps, flatulence, snoring, cuddling, casual nudity and did I mention sex? 

Time spent together – basically 24/7 for years and years, if you’re lucky.

Now, again, I don’t want to rain on your “my spouse is my best friend” parade but getting married and all the things that that entails goes far beyond being a best friend.  I almost find it insulting to refer to my wife as a best friend.  She’s NOT.  She’s far more than that.  Calling her a best friend is to lessen what it means to be my wife.  I love my friends and best friends with all my heart.  I would die for them and they’ve had an impact on me and who I am that can’t be measured.  My heart would break without them.  But they are not my spouse and they, most likely, wouldn’t want to be.  They are who they are and my wife is who she is.  And, after nearly 30 years, she is not my best friend:

She is first class.

She is gold level.

She is the love of my life.

She is my wife.