Kinda how I feel right now...
It’s with all honesty that I tell you I’m the closest I’ve ever come to having a film made of one of my screenplays. Cast members are being lined up (including Eric Roberts), queries have gone out to directors. An agency wants to partner with us. Locations are being vetted. I’ve Skyped with the producer and a couple of the actors. E-mails, in the thousands, have gone back-and-forth. Even a website has been created: http://www.1018movie.com/
And let’s be honest, if honesty is what we’re talking about... “Neon Jungle” could very well be in production within months or it could be nothing but a pipe dream. Within months I could be in Vegas toasting with champagne or within months I could be sitting at home watching the Mariner’s lose (again) while crying in my cheap “headache” beer.
I can’t tell you how proud I am of where I am and what I’ve accomplished to get here. “Neon Jungle” was my first REAL screenplay and here it is on the verge of getting made...and I feel farther from the written word than I’ve felt in a long time.
Writer's block is funny...sometimes.
Why has the muse left me? Why am I not inspired? Why has “writer’s block” decided to crash upon my head? It’s not like I haven’t written (within the past few weeks I had to make substantial changes to “Neon”) and then there’s the “blog” thing – a poor excuse to think that you’re writing when all you’re really doing is just spewing semi-coherent thoughts onto a fake page in a bits-and-bytes universe hoping that someone might read it and “like” it.
Again, it’s not that I haven’t written but, for some reason, my creativity well seems to have dried up and that’s not the bad part. The bad part is that I’m completely apathetic about it. It’s like I don’t care that my creativity well has dried up. Even writing that sentence I find myself saying: “Meh.” And everything that has worked in drying that well up has also created a “meh.”
Creativity well....all dried up...and I don't seem to care.
What worked in drying that well up? Let me count the ways:
1. My manager: Well over a year ago I wrote what I thought was a very bankable, enjoyable, ribald (does anyone use that word anymore?) comedy script. With the success of films like “The Hangover” and “Bridesmaids” and others, there seemed to be an audience for R-rated films that didn’t pull any punches. So I wrote the script: “Bad Princesses”. Once I was done with it, I sent it out to my consortium of writer friends to give me feedback. These are people whose opinions I trust. They all had various takes on it and gave me some great feedback. Changes were made, polish was done, and with an impending trip to L.A. on the verge, I asked my manager to give it a read in hopes that, while I was down there, we could talk about it. She could tell me what needed to improve or, of course, be so blown away by it; she’d pull in a creative team to get us onto the next steps. I’d blow off a day at Disneyland to meet with Ryan Gosling (the Disneyland of actors) or Bradley Cooper (the Knott’s Berry Farm of actors). But a day or two before we left she sent me a terse e-mail: “Read your script. Literally hated every word.”
Ryan Gosling: "Fantasyland" of acting.
Bradley Cooper: "Knott's Berry Farm" attraction of acting.
Golly, it’s not every day a person who is supposed to be part of your creative support team sends you an e-mail so full of bullsh*t with so few words. I mean LITERALLY HATED EVERY WORD? Really? Didn’t like the word “phone” on page six? The word “the” on page 12? The word “rapscallion” on page 82 (okay, I could see why you’d hate that word)? But, yeah, BULLSH*T! Of course, I’m the lowly writer with little or no credits and, obviously, no testicles to call her on it. Once again it’s the “bow-low-to-the-ground-and-give-all-obeisance-to-thou-that-works-in-Hollywood-because-thou-may-help-me-someday-actually-possibly-maybe-have-a-career-working-with-people-just-like-you” moment. I take the pill and swallow it, tuck my tail between my legs and wander meekly away.
2. Gary: This is a bit of a stretch but Gary and Howard were the first producers on my script “Neon Jungle” and all credit should go to them who changed the name from the stupid “Vegas Dreams” to the great film noir name they gave it. Last I saw Gary was when he was pointing me out at a pitch meeting – the very meeting I met and attached myself (like moss) to my manager above. Gary died in 2013. And though I hadn’t actually talked to Gary in a while (like never), he was one of the weirdest, freakiest people I had ever met. The fact that he had started a screenwriting college was about the farthest stretch that I could possibly imagine. After he and Howard had a falling out, Howard and Gary stopped speaking to each other and I could easily see why. But, here’s the deal: Gary was universally loved by, seemingly, all who came in the door of his college. He got major talent to show up and talk about the craft and I could never really understand why, or how. It wasn’t like Gary wrote a book on screenwriting. It wasn’t like he had a ton of credits or vast amounts of money. Was it his weirdness that was the selling point? And did I have to venture into that realm to get to that point? Was that worth it?
3. Howard: With the impending success of “Neon Jungle” and Gary’s passing, I sent an e-mail or two to Howard to touch base and see how he was doing. No response whatsoever. Maybe he was out-of-town. I finally googled him to see if he was still alive and found photos of him now selling clean water or something.
"I'll read your screenplay if you just.............."
4. Producer that I don’t know: Redacted. Trust me. It's a great depressing and frustrating story.
5. “Dancing:” A few years ago, Keith (co-writer and friend) did something that I don’t recommend: “Don’t pitch a script idea for a script you haven’t written.” Well, when Keith was at the Screenwriting Expo he did that very thing. The pitch went something like this: “Man suffers from short-term memory loss, ends up falling in love with himself when he goes on a dating website.” It’s a great pitch and garnered a lot of interest but, again, there was no script. Keith returned with a “Hey, uh, guess what I did?” Followed by: “Think we can write this pretty quickly?” Oh, uh, sure. Over the past couple years we’ve written and re-written this script and, though the pitch is wonderfully wonderful, the actual execution has been less than desired. Finally, in October of 2013, I sat down and did a page-one re-write of the script. I handed it back off to Keith and our mutual friend Tim to see what they wanted to change. The biggest issue is that I turned it into a “smaller” script that could possibly done on a budget that we could even possibly come up with. Tim said he’d get to it in December and, I think, Keith said he’d read through it and give me some notes. Neither has happened (or, if it’s happened, no one has told me). And then the film “Her” gets released (about a guy who falls in love with a computer operating system) and I kinda figure that THAT idea is close enough to our idea to, well, compare – even if they’re completely different. So is our idea sellable anymore? Do I care? Meh.
EXACTLY like our script...only different.
6. “God Monologues:” A few years ago I came up with a concept for a theatre piece entitled: “The God Monologues.” Loosely based around the concept of the “The Vagina Monologues” this would be a collection of stories about people and their relationships/concepts/accepting/rejecting God, or whatever form God is to them. I pulled in two much more talented people than me: my BFF Jason and my friend Cami (sorry, Cami, only Jason gets the BFF designation). Jason created a wonderful website so we could pool together hundreds of stories of various types and stripes and give us a huge wonderful group to pull from. What we quickly found out was that a: People who had lost and/or rejected God for whatever reason really wanted to tell their story. b: People who had found and/or accepted God for whatever reason didn’t want to tell their story. And by HUNDREDS we, had, maybe, 40. Still, we persevered and met with some theatre people up in Bellingham, WA and came up with overall great concepts but...life changes and people get busy and things happen and Jason didn’t want to pay for the website anymore (I didn’t blame him) and the project got back-burnered. I thought, hell, I’ll just write it...but... Meh.
Yeah, they help "market" your scripts...sure...
7. “Inktip:” Inktip is a way for people to get their scripts out to the marketplace. You place your script on their website for six months and/or put it in their magazine and they’ll shop your script and log-line and resume. I decided to go ahead and put “Bad Princesses” on there after I had put “Search for Santa” on there. I still believed in the marketability of the script (even if my manager literally hated the word “quickly” on page 42). I spent good hard-earned money on this and got, literally (there’s that word again), no credible response. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Not for “Santa” and not for “Princesses.” Meh.
Which leads to: 8. Annoying Screenwriting SPAM E-mails: Along with the “twice-a-week” e-mails from Inktip (encouraging me to spend MORE money) I get dozens of e-mails a week from other pitch groups, screenwriting companies that think they have the simplest way of getting your script sold, up-coming pitch sessions, etc. etc. etc. It’s insulting. I’m so very tired of seeing: “SELL YOUR SCRIPT TO HOLLYWOOD!!” in the subject line. I don’t unsubscribe because there’s still a little part of me that thinks that maybe one of these will actually work. Logic tells me not to believe that. The Dreamer part of me tells me to keep getting them. I think Logic is going to kick Dreamer’s ass from here to Yakima.
"Hello? Anyone there? Hello? Anyone want to
learn about the three-act structure?"
9. Apathetic Students: I teach beginning screenwriting at “Seattle Central Community College” and have taught there for years. Sadly, these past three quarters, I have not had enough students to teach my class. It’s in these wonderful class sessions where I’m able to inspire, brain-storm, get those creative juices really flowing and it’s something that I thoroughly enjoy from the bottom of my muse empty well of creativity. (Note: A couple years ago, I created an on-line screenwriting class which has been viewed by a number of people. No one e-mails me or asks me questions from the on-line series. So I feel like not only am I not teaching LITERALLY, I’m not teaching VIRTUALLY.)
10. Seahawks and the Super Bowl: It’s hard to think about script ideas and formatting issues when in the back of your mind you’re thinking of match-ups between Denver’s wide receivers and the Seahawk’s secondary. I’ve waited 8 years for the next Seahawk Super Bowl and have suffered through many a crappy season and I’ll be damned if I’m not going to give a certain amount of brain cells the ability to fully enjoy this event.
11. Loss of Co-worker: Early in 2014 my co-worker was laid-off, out of the blue. No warning. Typically it’s moments like these where I re-group and re-focus on the importance of what I want to do with my life and my goals and dreams. This time? Meh.
12. 2014: In the year 2014 I turn 50. Maybe I’m getting too old for this writing crap?
Uh, no.
The simple reality of all this, is that though I feel the well is dried up and I can’t get the energy to write...I’m still on the cusp of getting a film made. And I know that the well will fill again. I know that the reality of my own passions and desire will rise. When? How much? Who knows. I’ve got access to great equipment, I can make my own film or shorts. My son is one of the most talented editors/film-makers that I know.
The future, as “meh” filled as it is right now is certainly bright and I’ve been here before, just not as apathetic as I feel right now.
Uh, not this, either.
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