Thursday, December 20, 2012

You know your birthdate but do you know...





When’s your birthday?  It takes but a moment to think about it.   You put it on forms, on websites, on credit-card applications, etc.  It’s RIGHT THERE on the tip of you memory lobe.  You might not know the actual DAY (I was born on a Thursday), but you know the date.  It doesn’t take a lot of effort.

When’s your deathday?  Oh, well, that’s a bit trickier.  What would you do if you knew when your deathday was?

All this week (December 17th through 21st ) I’ve been battling a headache.  I don’t get headaches and this one is just lingering.  Never fully going away but not really debilitating, either.  It’s just THERE.  Sometimes it makes itself known, sometimes it just lingers.  It’s kind of like Regis Philbin (sic?) in that respect.  A co-worker said it was a “tension” headache.  Sure.  Whatever you say.  I’ve taken meds, they don’t really help.  But what could possibly be the cause of this headache?  Let’s see...

1.      I was panicked early in the week over a potential gift for my son and then had “buyer’s remorse” but still, will think he will like it....maybe.

2.      My friend’s best friend from high school is dying of a brain tumor that is “taking a buzz saw to his nervous system.”  He probably will die before the end of the year – if not soon after.

3.      Saturday I have to deliver my 22 year-old Twinkie to the buyer who bought it for $74.  Of course I had dreams of thousands.  The Kickstarter campaign is lagging but I need to kick it into gear soon after the Holiday.

4.      Work has been looooooong as all week I’ve been fielding calls in regards to a class action suit, including a call where the man yelled at me because his “daughter died a few years ago and now his wife is upset and he’s upset and he doesn’t want any more letters sent to him!”  That’s fine, I didn’t send it to him.  Still, I couldn’t help but feel a teensy bit bad he got the letter in the first place.

5.      Then, of course, there’s the pall of the killing of 26 people (20 of them children) in Connecticut that still lingers over everything like a depressing fog.

6.      Lastly there’s the whole “World Will End December 21st! – ‘Cause the Mayans predicted it!” thing that has also been taking up synapses in the old gray matter.  And all this has been pushing on my “deathday” button.  In other words:  If you knew your deathday, what would you do?

I don’t mean to be morbid, especially 5 days out from Christmas Day – but too many things  have happened (or are happening, or are rumored to be happening) that is causing me to think of my own mortality.  The problem with mortality, is that when it rears its ugly, ugly face the only thing it truly does is force you to turn around and look in a mirror.

What do you see in a mirror?  You see yourself – warts and all.  And no one sees you like YOU see you.  What do you also see?  You see what’s behind you.  And that’s that ol’ mortality trick.  When the reality of sin, evil and death (Connecticut) or simply the reality of life and death (my friend’s friend) sift to the surface it causes one to pause.  Or SHOULD cause one to pause and take stock of where you’ve been (all that stuff behind you in the mirror) and where you’re going.  But when you look in the mirror you don’t see where you’re going.  You see you.  And what are YOU doing about YOU?

So as the headache comes and goes, I wonder:  “Is it a brain tumor?”  “Am I dehydrated?”  “Am I tired of fielding calls that at any moment some guy is going to yell at me?”  “Did I get all the presents wrapped?”  “Will Nick like his gift?”  What kind of questions are these when I’m looking at myself?  Back up the horse-cart, Billy, and think about the future.  The REAL future.  YOUR future.  As if your deathday was tomorrow.  What would you do?

I would love or attempt to love.  Because nothing is more important than that.

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