The fog was thick. Thick as I could remember as we drove to SeaTac airport that night. You could barely see three feet in front of the car. Much like driving that old video game “night rider” where all you saw were the reflective rectangles of the roadside posts – going in I knew we were going to be there for a long while.
My step-father had flown back to Minnesota to attend his mom’s funeral and his flight was due back that evening. I was probably 14 or so – maybe younger – it’s so long ago now that it’s all a blur.
We finally parked and went into SeaTac and found out, not to our surprise, that the flight arrival was delayed. It was circling or something and would hopefully land soon. Within an hour, or so, we were told that the flight was going to fly down to Portland and the airline would bus everyone back up to SeaTac. So for what it’s worth – we had four+ hours to hang out at the airport. Woo-Hoo!
This was back in the day, though, when you could take the underground tram to all the satellite departure/arrival decks. This was back in the day where you could watch huge jumbo jets from far-off worlds land and take off. This was back in the day when you could wait patiently, eyes fixed on the passengers coming up the far off ramp looking for that face, those eyes, that smile. Now it’s like being stuck in an over-priced mall waiting for your loved ones by an absurd amusement park carousel ride for luggage.
While my mother and I took our time waiting, we met up with a young woman and a baby. The baby was going to be adopted by someone on the plane and we struck up a fast friendship and chatted for most of the evening. I eventually fell asleep across two chairs in the main ticket area. It was not comfortable.
In going through my film collection alphabetically – the next collection (after The Adventures of Ma and Pa Kettle) is the AIRPORT Collection. This is a collection of four films: Airport, Airport ’75, Airport ’77 and, finally, last and very least: The Concorde: Airport ’79.
Look at all the white people!
Made in the tradition of Grand Hotel these films are star feasts. Like a movie star buffet. Grand Hotel was a film filled with stars. You see, the studio had all these people under contract and why not shove them all into a film. You get a fluff plot, have them show up for a day or two, pay ‘em a few bucks and you have an event film.
Airport, based on a popular novel, and nominated for a number of Academy Awards is pure cheese. It’s just a soap opera in an airport. Dean Martin is sleeping with a stewardess while he’s MARRIED! Burt Lancaster is stuck running the airport and dealing with a snow storm and a trapped plane. George Kennedy – the only actor who appears in all four films – plays Patroni – some guy who does stuff. And then you have a bunch of actors, young and old flitting about with “issues.” The only real interesting subplot is when a depressed guy decides to kill himself and everyone on a plane by detonating dynamite he has strapped to himself. Why he wants to take everyone else out is beyond me. When he DOES kill himself (in the plane’s bathroom no-less) they’ve got to bring the plane down NOW – but the other plane is trapped on the air strip! What to do what to do?! Soap Opera set in Airport. Next?
Look! More White People!
Airport ’75 – let’s ratchet up the action a little bit, huh? This is the film that Airplane ripped off so eloquently. Helen Reddy plays a singing nun, Gloria Swanson plays herself, Charlton Heston plays God – or something like him, Karen Black plays the STEWARDESS WHO IS FLYING THE PLANE!! And then a smattering of other actors and actresses at the beginning or end of their careers. Norman Fell, Linda Blair, Jerry Stiller.
In this one the 747 (they’re all 747’s until the last film – duh) is hit by a small plane killing a navigator, sucking a co-pilot out, and seriously injuring the other pilot. With a gaping hole in the cockpit of the plane Karen “cross-eyed” Black has to pilot it until they can get a REAL pilot (see Heston) somehow in the plane.
Karen Black and some white gal
Airport ‘77 – is a combination of The Poseidon Adventure and Airport – this time a luxury 747 all tricked out like a high class lounge – carrying a bajillion dollars worth of Jimmy Stewart’s art – is high-jacked in hopes of stealing said bajillion dollars worth of art. Of course Stewart’s daughter and grandson are on the plane. Christopher Lee is on the plane looking about 60 – which makes me wonder how old he was when he played Saruman in The Lord of the Rings Trilogy – 110? Olivia DeHavilland – looking beautiful and the other actress who was in every 1970’s film Brenda Vaccaro. Now, please note: Brenda Vaccaro and Karen Black went to the school of “smoke so many cigarettes that your voice is hoarse and sounds like you’ve got stage four throat cancer.”
Also note - I'm giving the filmmakers a hard time for not having many black actors. Olvia has a black "assistant" who, of course, dies.
Also note - I'm giving the filmmakers a hard time for not having many black actors. Olvia has a black "assistant" who, of course, dies.
Rounding out the talent pool is Jack Lemmon, Emmet Walsh – playing a doctor (usually he plays low-lifes) and Darren McGavin who, at any moment, I thought was going to say: “FRA-GEE-LAY!”
This film was head and shoulders above ’75 and the first because it actually has good acting. And the special effects aren’t TERRIBLE. Still, they’re pretty bad. But you can’t disregard moments where all these has-beens and use-to-beens and sort-of-up-and-comers get doused with gallons and gallons and GALLONS of water.
White people getting wet.
As I watched it, I couldn’t help Jimmy Stewart wanting to chat with the Navy pilots about his time flying B-52 bombers over Germany during WWII. I’m sure his stories around the lunch table would put any story about a plane underwater to shame.
Jimmy Stewart doing something he can really do.
The Concorde – Airport ’79 – this is the last and the very least of the films. Maybe Boeing finally wised up and said: To hell with you sinking our planes and hitting them with planes and blowing up their bathrooms! Even though every film there’s some moment where someone turns (usually Patroni) to someone else and says: “These 747s are the best built planes in the world!! That Boeing really knows how to make planes.”
In ’79 what plot there is involves a reporter with some shady documents flying to Paris on a Concorde. She’s being tracked by her sketchy boss played by Robert Wagner who wants those papers AT ALL COST. So he’s willing to kill everyone on board. Why he just doesn’t have her followed the moment she gets off the play…who knows?! I guess it’s better if his anti-aircraft missile shoots them out of the sky.
George Kennedy. The one consistent white character.
In this film Patroni is no longer just a grunt but is now a full fledged pilot along with Alain Delon and David Warner (whom I’ve always liked a lot). The love interest in this picture is played by the non-throat-cancer Sylvia Krystal whose only claim to fame at this point was being Emmanuel in the Emmanuel Joys of a Woman soft-core series. She just recently passed away at the age of 60 from cancer. Cancer sucks.
Mr. Delon and Ms. Krystal - foreign white people.
This film contains no logic whatsoever. When the Concorde is able to spin and twist and loop-de-loop to get away from rockets and a missile and everyone is freaking out – the plane is somewhat intact – and everyone goes about their business like nothing happened. Even sleeping peacefully. What? I’d be puking my guts up, I’d be demanding to know answers.
After the plane lands in Paris (en route to Russia) almost everyone GETS BACK ON BOARD – even Charo!! I’d be like: “Dude, this plane has a death wish. I’m taking Amtrak.”
And one more very annoying thing about this film. John Davidson plays a character by the name of “Robert Palmer” and he’s hot for a Russian gymnast (who wouldn’t be?) but whenever they talk she calls him “Robert Palmer” – not Robert, not Bob, not Robbie but ROBERT PALMER. So every single time she says it (and he says it) – I’ve got: “MIGHT AS WELL FACE IT – YOU’RE ADDICTED TO LOVE!” running through my head.
A few overall thoughts about these four films. Flight travel has changed so drastically since 2001 these films end up being a bit of a curiosity. People put dogs in their purses, men ride with dynamite strapped to them, pilots smoke cigars in the cockpit, etc.
No one who is black has any major role in these films. Not a pilot, barely a stewardess. At least Kareem Abdul Jabbar was in Airplane as a pilot. All the black characters are either maids, assistants or bartenders. In ’79 Jimmy “Dy-no-Mite!” Walker plays a pot smoking saxophone player who actually has more than 3 lines. And Cicely Tyson is completely wasted with some subplot about a child who died or something.
FINALLY a black person with an actual role in the film. Of course he gets stoned in the plane's bathroom.
Lastly, the only film that takes place in an Airport is the first one.
Hoping to God that there’s no Airport ’14 on the horizon.
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